Weird topic title? First of all let me brief on a few things. When I was in high school. Well starting from Junior High School, I had always love to write. Even though half of the time when I wrote it didn’t make sense. All I knew was that I loved to write. I kept these journal, notebooks, binders, and etc filled with my writings. I was going through them and re-reading them when I realized that I was so stupid and naive as a younger person. I wrote so many love poems and so many tragic heart break poems when I had close to no experience in those feelings. Then, I started to think and I realized that starting from my first poem until the last one I wrote before I quit writing for awhile. I realized that everything written in those poems described what would be my future relationships. From the beginning to the end they match the perfect timeline. The sad thing is that until the last poem I wrote along with those collection it all ends with a sad ending.
I am normally really doubtful about these things, but if I could convince myself to pen those words all those years ago whats to say that it wouldn’t occur now? I guess what I am trying to say is that the future is uncertain. I’ve never loved anyone more then I love myself. Well, of course my sisters, but the more I love the more tiring I notice that I gets. Getting criticized, scolded, hurt, treated badly, or anything in that path at all starts to get really tiring. I don’t know where my head has been lately, but it’s definitely not where it always is and that’s on my heart. It scares me to think that I am becoming more and more detached from my own world. I am starting to think with my head more then my heart. I use to love thinking with my heart because I at least felt I was happy. I felt that I was doing the right thing. Everyone’s head is always the most practical and non sensitive decision.
I don’t know where I am going with this, but I have a feeling that there is something behind it. I wish I would find in my heart the answer to why I am unable to sleep and hardly able to enjoy my meals. Is it because I am sick? Or is it because I am living in what I believe is a grave dug to suffocate me until my very death.
Long Ago
This is something I wrote back then, Blah. I know that the quality is hardly no award winning poem, but it was something that reflected my feelings. It sounds like a romance love interest poem, but it isn’t. I think it was just my rant about the world around me at that time. I was going into my freshmen year of high school I think.
I asked myself on a daily basis what is it that my heart desires
Is it the feeling of being accepted? Or is it being accepted?
There are no apparent differences to those two questions,
But, there are differences and I am tired of being seen as both.
I ask myself over and over again; If this person that says…
Says, his heart is completely with me can’t tell the difference between me and myself
Then, does he in fact love me at all?
The problem doesn’t lie within his feelings for me, but it lays completely on me
What am I to do when I feel that in my heart I am no longer the person that I was?
What am I to do when I have to pretend that my feelings exist?
I ask you because it’s the ultimate cry for help.
I can’t determine myself are my feelings truly valid.
Starring into the eyes of the people I am suppose to love and telling them I care
When in fact,
I’ve quit caring long ago.
Tina Syrypanha; Written June 05th 2001
Sorry for the long useless post. I just had to rant.
Tags: Blah
Posted in Blab & Rants |
